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15strangers2019-08-11 10:55 am
strangerpeople) wrote in 15strangers2019-08-11 10:55 am
Entry tags:
FINAL WEEK
[Well. What else can be said? The Little Courtesy is over. You have all survived. You are now going to your final destination-with invitations to boot. And Charlotte will be getting that private audience, as promised.
But it's not over. Everyone knows it. Confrontation is inevitable. The question is what, exactly, will happen when that confrontation happens-or if anyone will in fact be able to go with Charlotte when it happens. But you've gone this far. There's no turning back. There has to be a way.
Nothing has been certain, or simple. Whatever happens will be no different from the horrors of the Little Courtesy. Perhaps the saying might still hold. Will all be well? Will it?
It must. God help everyone if it isn't.
Seven is the Number, but there are nine strangers left in this place.]
if you tag, expect cw: abuse and some serious existential confusion
If anyone's paid any attention to Ris, then they will notice something is wrong when she is not in any of her usual haunts at all on Tuesday. She's even gone from her blanket pile fairly early in the morning, which is surprising for a girl who typically wakes up at noon.
The door to room 14 is shut tight, although anyone who stops and puts an ear to it might hear soft, pained noises coming from inside. Whimpers, sobs, heavy ragged breaths. It depends on when anyone stops by.
Late that night, however, she can be found in the dining car, paler than usual, puffy-eyed, and cupping a glass of water with slightly trembling hands. And if that wasn't enough, anyone who seriously stops and looks will notice she isn't covering her right eye at all. There's something in the socket, ostensibly a glass eye, but there's no iris nor pupil detailing. It's all just white.
She's just kind of staring into the glass, not really paying attention to anything around her. She's probably going to jump out of her skin if anyone talks to her.]
all aboard the existential crisis express
He does find her in her room eventually, though it takes a few minutes of waffling on whether or not to interrupt her before he finally says anything through the door.]
Ris?
[Anxiety begins to whisper 'what if's into his circuits.]
Are you unwell?
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...Yes.
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...Do you need- ...Do you want help?
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We need help. We would like it very much.
We do not know how much you can provide.
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...I am uncertain as well. However, if nothing else, I can sit with you, if you would like?
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But he does notice Ris late Tuesday night when he's out of his room, Friender at his heel. He's quiet for a moment when he stops and notices the eye before speaking. ]
I take that it's no longer like looking through something opaque.
[ No warning before speaking sorry Ris. ]
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It's only thanks to her letting go of the glass when she jumps that she doesn't wind up with water everywhere, thankfully for everyone involved.
She looks at him for a moment, almost like she doesn't recognize him, before something seems to click into place.
She bows her head, corners of her mouth turning up into a poor attempt at even half a smile as a bitter little laugh escapes her.]
Ha... that would be easier, actually.
As it is now, it's no more clear, just louder and more disorienting.
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Mithos waits until things seem to click. The bitter laugh it certainly doesn't sound like whatever she remembered was good. Though that was obvious just from first glance. ]
So there's something about it you still don't know.
[ With that he tilts his head to the side. ]
... Seems you're unhappy with it. Do you think knowing more would make things better or worse.
[ He won't ask exactly what it is ... yet. It'd probably be better if Ris speaks of it herself, if she's even willing. ]
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There's an open seat if you'd like it, though.
[She nudges it away from the table a bit with her toe.
> Spend a bonding point to spend time with Ris?]
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[ He wouldn't be surprised if it doesn't as long as there's potential to still have missing memories, but he'll take the open seat.
He'll accept this bonding time, in any case. ]
INFODUMP TIME I GUESS also cw: disassociation, depersonalization, abuse
Do you believe in the concept of alternate universes? Where another version of you might live and lead an entirely different life?
[...]
...well, I suppose it matters not if you believe or not. I just know that they exist in the world I came from. I know they exist, because I have seen them.
I've seen through the eyes of other versions of myself. I... spent most of today like that. Seeing through their eyes. Being them, flashes of lives I have not lived and yet have lived, am living, over and over. And the worst thing is that none of it is better. The doctor is always there. We always try to run, and we always fail. [Unconsciously, she reaches up to brush some hair away from her right eye.] He always punishes us for trying. So many times it ought to all blur together, and yet each and every one of them is distinct.
[She finally stops rambling for a moment to seriously catch her breath, bringing that hand by her face to her forehead miserably.]
It's still hard to figure out which me is me, right here, right now. [Which is why it took her a second to recognize Mithos. As important as he is to this version of her, when it's one thread out of many you're trying to untangle...] And when I can find "me," it feels more like she's on the outside looking in than tangibly existing.
[. . .]
...I'm sorry. I know that was a lot of words, most of which I'm sure mean nothing to you. [It's fair. She means nothing. If she were a real person, if she had any value at all, would she have had to go through all of that...? No, no. Rough play with a disobedient doll, that's all it was.] But...
One thing is clear. I know why I sought the dark, now.
When everything is just so much, nothing is a comfort.
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... You shouldn't apologize.
[ That's all he says for a moment as he thinks everything that he said over once more in his head. So there's many versions of her in her head so she can't figure out her. But really, there's one thing that she said that really struck him in a way that he almost didn't expect.
And yet did, since a part of him still believes it. ]
There's only one you that matters to me... and that's the one that's been here the whole time.
[ the one that made a promise to the version of him that ... no longer exists. But Ris was willing to help him even before he remembered everything... ]
So whatever it takes, we'll find some way for you to find ... you.
[ Ugh. That sounded a little too much like him. Well, guess this place has done some damage bringing "his old self" back for a time. ]
Nothing may be a comfort, but there's still a promise to upkeep on my end.
[ Really, with everyone else having betrayed him, Ris and her Promise is kind of the only thing he has now, huh.... ]
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Despite everything, she still does remember him. She still does remember their Promise. She might be existing slightly to the left of everything else, right now, but that much is grounding.]
...I would very much like to just be me again. Even at its quietest, it's still a constant headache...
[She drops her gaze back into her glass for a moment.]
...It is hard, now to figure out the words I want to use. Even more than it was before. But... I appreciate your support. More than I can find the words for.
And I still... even with things as they are, I still want to keep that promise to you, as well.
[I still want to matter to you. She doesn't say it aloud, she can't find it in all of her selves to do so, but that truth, her truth, rings out to her even above the rest.]
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[ It's not concrete physically, but something for her to focus on that is different than all the versions of her in her head. She's the only one that made a promise to him and ... that's why it's the only one that matters to him. Especially now. ]
... Maybe one day you'll find those words you want to use. Until then ... just know that you also have my support. You've supported me plenty so ... now it's time for me to return the favor.
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[She swallows hard.]
Before, when this happened... "I" just gave up. Let someone... something else just take over, so "I" didn't have to be anymore. But... they're not here. And even if they were..
There's something I want to be for, now. We never had that, before you.
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A quick search also found no Ris anywhere else - a search a bit abbreviated by how much Charlotte was carrying, true, but she really did look. She would have knocked first, if not for the roll of cloth and the dress and the sewing kit in her arms. Might have called out, but for whatever reason, she leaned against the door to listen first. Just because she'd never heard Ris snore didn't mean she couldn't when sleeping in a proper bed, and if for some reason she was sleeping in her room, she obviously needed the rest, and -
And Charlotte knows the sound of someone crying and trying not to be heard all too well. The Conductor had made them all tea, yesterday; the math does itself. Ris got something back that caused this.
She doesn't drop everything, but sets it down, and then knocks gently at the door.]
Ris? Are you hurt?
[Stupid question, but this is a hideously stupid world, it's appropriate.]
cw: disassociation, depersonalization
Somewhere close to reality, anyway. Frankly, Ris isn't anywhere close to lucid right now, but despite everything she does her best to respond. Her voice is clearly shaking, her words tentative like she's almost having trouble forming them.]
We are... physically unharmed. At present?
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That's good. Is it okay if I come in there with you?
[Charlotte doesn't want to sound patronizing, but there's a sort of kindergarten-teacher singsong tone to her voice when she asks. Like so many times over these weeks they've spent trapped in the same place, she has no idea what to do, only secondhand knowledge from books - not experience.]
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...The door is unlocked. Please close it behind you. It is very loud.
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Okay, I will. I'm coming in now, all right?
[And as she does - what is it she sees?]
cw: eye squick
Ris herself is under a sheet, at present, and if Charlotte's seen her with bedhead before, this is ten times worse. Tossing and turning will do that.
She's a bit wild-eyed, for the one eye that's there. The other socket is uncovered and empty, for a change, although for the most part her eyelid just falls down to cover the socket without anything in place to help it stay open. Her undereyes are dark and puffed up, which is probably unsurprising given what Charlotte was hearing.
Ris doesn't say anything once Charlotte is inside, she just sits up. She looks smaller now than ever.]