Not...necessarily. Back then...didn't really want to live. Didn't care. But killing myself was too much effort - didn't care about that, either. Just....didn't care, at all, about anything. Apathetic and empty.

[He has come a very long way from that.]

But....wouldn't have gone to any lengths to preserve my own life, either...still bad at that. But maybe - it's less wanting to live, for her, and more that she's afraid of dying? Knowing what it means here....couldn't blame her one bit.