sorry for your loss

[cuteandinnocentpet]

[When people are returned to the main floor, they will find a trail of cupcakes from the elevator to the dining room. There is a table of drinks, pills, and cupcakes and cakes from the automat.

And on the table, in the center, is this asshole, with a party horn in its mouth. Despite that, it talks into everyone's mind.]

As you strangers tend to have a tradition of parties after an execution, I took the liberty. The plates and cups are over there.

[. . .

be merry I guess]

Comments

[katzenpfote]

... Well, hopefully all of you feel that way, or I'll be the body next time.

I've... I am not trying to push you away because I hate you - any of you. I... am not good at making friends. And I am a mess, so it would not be all that good for you anyway.

[carryabigstick]

I... have some experience with it, so I feel pretty strongly about it.

One of-- no. The person that's most important to me hid a lot of things from me. When I finally did find out, it was because he was leaving. He dumped on me a whole bunch of knowledge about the kind of person he was before and the things he did... and just left. Like everything that happened after didn't matter anymore. When that was the part I cared about the most.

Just like back then... I know it's probably really hard for you. But the Caleb I know-- even just a little bit-- cares a lot about the people here and is looking out for them the best way he knows how. I think that means a lot more than whatever happened in the past.

[katzenpfote]

[There's a slight widening of his eyes - oh. The story from the other side. The one Vita told him.]

... You sound like the rest of the Nein. I... these places bring out the worst in us. And brings up bits of the past you don't want...

I am doing what I can. I am not very good at it...

[carryabigstick]

It's okay. We all are. And... maybe none of us are doing really great.

[She doesn't feel like she's doing a great job either.]

But that's all the more reason to do it together and not by ourselves. Even if we mess up, at least we have someone to help us pick things up again.

[katzenpfote]

It is... difficult. King knows my past - McBurn would not care, so he does not know. But I am... not a stable person. I have things in my past that make it difficult to keep things safe around me.

I want to keep all of us alive, but I do not know if that is possible, so I will settle for 'as many of us as I can manage'. I can have a breakdown later.

[carryabigstick]

Well... if you ever need someone to talk to... I'd listen. And if there's something I can ever do to help-- just ask, okay?

We want the same thing, so that makes us allies for sure.

[katzenpfote]

... Estelle, I know you said you do not care about the past, but... no offense intended, but I do not think you would want me around if I spilled the beans, so to speak.

[carryabigstick]

My...

[What the fuck does she even call Joshua anyway? Future boyfriend??? Apparently that's a thing.]

...future boyfriend, I guess, is a former assassin from one of the shadiest and weirdest organizations my world has or will ever see. And that was when he was like... just a kid.

Just... try me before you rule it out, okay?

[katzenpfote]

[Yes. Definitely the same one. But he doesn't show any indication that he's surprised.]

Comparatively I was also 'just a kid', but old enough to make actual decisions that I intentionally chose to not make.

[carryabigstick]

I mean. I wouldn't give Joshua too much credit. He was a kid, but he was always sharp. And it's something he's been aware of for a long time. Enough that he felt like it was worth throwing away years of work towards building a life of helping others.

...he has a lot of issues, deep down. I don't know how he ended up with those people, but I know there's more to it.

I won't say it doesn't bother me but-- everyone has their circumstances.

[katzenpfote]

... It is easy for young people to be deceived by those who claim to be able to help them develop their skills.

I am not quite so altruistic. I want to protect those I care about, avoid those who would hurt me or them, and reach my own goals. It is not so much about 'helping others.'.

[carryabigstick]

There's nothing wrong with that. Shouldn't everyone want that? I mean... that just... sounds like life.

So maybe some people do less or more but-- I don't think you're doing it wrong.

[katzenpfote]

There is something wrong with that when they are turned into assassins with false memories.

[carryabigstick]

I don't see how false memories could be your fault-- and we can just forget the assassin part altogether.

[Because she can't, in all fairness, judge him only for that. Especially when it sounds like he had his own situation, just like Joshua.]

[katzenpfote]

Even if - even if I was trained to kill traitors, even if I had the 'memory' of my parents plotting, I should have had enough moral fiber to not set the house on fire.

[carryabigstick]

Oh, I set the house on fire plenty of times.

[Estelle......]

Listen. It's not that simple. Not everyone is born into the same circumstances. That's a hell of a good reason to be confused! You were young. And the fact that you can talk about it like this now... that means you've given it a lot of thought and grown from it, right?

Maybe you can't change those things from the past, but-- you changed into the person you are now, didn't you? I think that's worth something too.

[katzenpfote]

The house was on fire with them trapped in it. Intentionally.

And then I ended up in an asylum for eleven years.

I am... trying... to not be that person anymore. But when situations like that come up, it is difficult. I should have contained myself but I am sick and tired of being used by these killing scenarios. It is like something my old teacher might have thought up.

[carryabigstick]

...I can't imagine how that feels. I'm... still trying to understand what Joshua's going through. It's not like I got the chance to talk to him about it... not really.

But I still think, for what it's worth, that you should give yourself credit for the effort you've made. You're clearly not the same person anymore-- it's the situation, not you. We're all... struggling with that. The other trial wasn't much better.

[katzenpfote]

... I do not want to hurt anyone I don't have to. I do not think I would even hurt someone if they tried to kill me here. I... I suppose I am a little better at it now that I am on my own - well. I have the Nein. But being away from that man helps.